Green Tea? Nah mate, try MATCHA
- Rob Doublé
- Mar 9, 2017
- 3 min read
There comes a point, probably once you've hit like 23 and your parents start commenting that you're still living in their house and haven't got a job, that you realise you're not the person you once were.
You're no longer able to keep yourself together on 5 hours sleep. Hangovers can't go with a pint of water in the morning...and you realise you were never actually funny, but you're just a bit of a dick most of the time.
You accept the reality that the most exciting conversations you will have for the rest of your life will revolve around what colour you're painting the living room next week, and whether you should move energy providers.
But there is hope.
It comes in a small jar (don't bother with the teabag version, it's weak and disappointing and will leave you feeling hollow inside).
MATCHA (Big bold writing for impact)
I should say at this point that I was on the matcha hype before it became a thing and started being sold as the token hippy drink in Starbucks and Costa.
This isn't because I am some middle class cliché who lives in Shoreditch and thinks they are being so ‘alternative’ by copying every single stereotype of what being ‘edgy’ is, in the pursuit of some form of recognition or attention which I clearly so desperately crave as part of my unresolved inferiority complex.
It’s because it’s probably the best thing you can ever find for a hangover.
So basically, there’s loads of antioxidant or something in matcha. Like 137x more than in regular green tea (yeah exactly, not so healthy now are you?). It works through the booze in your body like Usain Bolt on a race track.
But it also apparently improves your mood, memory & concentration, and boosts your metabolism & energy levels.
So, in short…it turns you into the Hulk. Without the green bit and the rage.
Matcha can be used in anything.
Smoothie, hot drink, stirred into cold water, you can bake with it in cakes…you even go all cinnamon challenge with it and try to do it straight - YOU NUTCASE, I bet you’re in the rugby team.
Pretty simple really, you want to put a small amount in - we’re talking like a 1/4 of a teaspoon - and just stir around.
Unlike a teabag, you want to drink the powder, so you should have nothing in the cup when you’re done.
Oh and it’s got the consistency of flour, so be careful when spooning it - if you get it on clothes it’s a nightmare to get off.
When you get to the pro-league
I started with having it with hot water like a normal tea, but now I just dispatch a pint of it with tap water every morning. I don’t know why you needed to know that...maybe I just wanted to brandish my legendary ability to sink a pint because I think that'll make me friends?
I should say before you start….this stuff is an elixir of life.
If you’ve spent the past few years abusing your body with booze and Big Macs, it’s a lot of goodness for you to get used to.
So…the first couple times you have it, you will do the worst toilet breaks you can ever imagine. Even you won’t want to dutch oven yourself. You’ll be disgusted by your own existence. But that’s fine - think of it as your body getting out all that badness early.
Rob Recommends
Key thing…you want the ‘ceremonial grade’ stuff. Not in tea bags, not filtered down by other herbal teas…you want 100%, no-nonsense, slap-me-with-your-goodness, matcha.
I’d recommend Matcha Green Tea Powder by PureChimp.
It’s high quality, made in Japan. It’s vegan so you can feel superior to everyone else, and 5% of the company profits go to charity (what charity? I have no idea, but it makes me feel like a good person).
I think you can only get it online (here)…so you’ll probably be submitting yourself to the Amazon monopoly and destroying your local High Street, but sometimes you just can’t win.
And it’s spenny (£11.95 on Amazon for 50g), but not as spenny as bowing to the tyranny of the fashionable metropolitan lifestyle, and shelling out £3 for a poor quality coffee - just so you can hold it on your way into work and feel like Reese Wetherspoon or George “what else” Clooney.
I’m done. Go find something else to do with your time.
